Captain Ironface’s opening night gets a hostile reception. The company identifies the source of the manifestations, but can they stage their intervention in time?
Starring Ellie Pitkin, Vikki Weston, Alexander Pankhurst and Richard Stratton as themselves
Created and hosted by Matt (@merelymj) - visit mattboothman.com to read Audience with the Ghost Finder by M. J. Starling (the play the company performs at the Ariadne)
In association with Blackshaw Theatre Company (www.blackshawonline.com)
Episode transcript
The story so far
Ellie: The story so far.
Matt: You are Blackshaw Theatre - who, fewer people know, are also investigators of inexplicable happenings…
You find yourselves outside a theatre - the Ariadne…
Matt (as Bee): Oh, er, hi, I'm - I'm Phoebe, I’m the tech manager here.
Matt (as Errol): I came up here, I feel safe up here, I'm sorry.
Strat (in character): I'd rather you came down here, Errol.
Ellie (in character): What we found out is that the entity wants to see tragedy. So can you do some bits from like, Macbeth or like, Oedipus or something?
Alex: Now that I know I can seize fragments of power, and I've seen one of them boo and fling something at Strat, I was gonna try and antagonise them.
Vikki: Ooooh.
Alex: And basically, so my response was to get worse.
Matt: The owner-manager of this venue, whose name is Tess…
As Tess looks up, that shadowed face gives you the same expectant, slightly odd, slightly hostile feeling...
Ellie: Life's a game, the world's a stage, and we're all merely players.
Ariadne, Act Four
Matt (as Tess): I told you not to break anything!
Vikki: And I’d be like:
Vikki (in character): Why didn't you answer the door when I knocked on it, then?
Matt (as Tess): I was … I didn't hear. It's a very thick door. I was … I was focused on my work! What is it? What's so important?
Vikki (in character): There's all kinds of weird stuff going on in this theatre, and I want some answers.
Matt (as Tess): I knew it! Every time, every theatre … all these … all theatre people are so like, with the superstitions, and the Scottish play, and the fucking ghost lights!
Vikki (in character): Are you not seeing, like, this stuff is all around! Are you not seeing this at all?
Matt: So the stuff pooling in the shadows is actually deepening as she seems to be getting more like, enraged.
Vikki: Oh my god, it’s a manifestation. It’s a goddamn salt and burn situation here, guys.
Strat: She just did a swear, which means she's naughty.
Ellie: Definitely.
Matt: Did I ever say at the beginning that swearing is fine?
Ellie: No you didn’t!
Strat: No! No!
Matt: We’re not going for a clean rating here.
Alex: Well, well.
Strat: Oh, right. Because Alex went with “Mother Fletcher” earlier.
Vikki: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was just a hilarious…
Strat: I was like, well.
Vikki: No, I’ve done loads of swearing!
Alex: It might just be me, in fairness.
Strat: You do say that a lot.
Vikki: Yeah, it's pretty funny.
Matt: Yep. So she comes out with this outburst. You see, sort of, the shadows under her desk and around by the bookshelves like, boiling as she sort of lets go her rage at superstitious theatre types.
Vikki: I'm like:
Vikki (in character): We're not actually that superstitious! At least two of us are very, very sceptical! And I'm one of them! But there is obviously something going on here, and I can't believe that you don't … you're not aware of it.
Matt (as Tess): Nothing … nothing that's going on is strange. I've just been here, I've just been here doing my files, doing my accounts. I've heard nothing strange. Every time I get one of these companies … I need people to like, to come in here and to make a success of this place, and every time, they bail out on some ridiculous pretext.
Vikki (in character): Why don't you come down to the stage with me and see for yourself, and we'll try and work this out.
Matt (as Tess): Is that really necessary? I'm very busy.
Vikki (in character): I understand that, but I just think if you could come down to the auditorium and take a look with us, then we can get this sorted out, and then we can still do the show and give you what you want, which is for theatre companies to come and do a show and it be successful.
Matt: Make a Trust roll to try and persuade her. I'm gonna say that her Trust stat with all of you is zero.
Vikki: Yeah, at least.
Strat: And you just smashed her door in.
Vikki: Yeah, I know!
Matt: Yeah … yeah, maybe that's probably a minus one.
Vikki: Oh, what?
Strat: Oh. I mean … she loves you!
Vikki: Can I be in my element here, where I can see what I'm dealing with?
Matt: Yeah.
Ellie: Yeah!
Strat: Back to zero.
Matt: You’re dealing with a … like, there is weird stuff going in here…
Vikki: Back to zero.
Matt: …but she is a human person, or appears to be, that you’re dealing with.
Vikki: Come on, guys.
(sound of dice rolling)
Vikki: That's a nine.
Matt: So that's a mixed success. So I think you can get her to come with you…
Vikki: But I'm going to lose it a bit.
Matt: You can get her to come with you. But you see, as she kind of begins to rise from the desk, you can see the, like, the roiling movement of the stuff in the shadows even … become even more agitated and start to seep towards you across the floor.
Vikki: Oh, goddamn.
Matt: So she will come with you if you don't mind taking, like…
Vikki: Yep. I'm doing it.
Matt: Something is gonna happen with this stuff.
Vikki: I think the only way we're gonna deal with this is if we're all together dealing with it, so I'm prepared to make sacrifices.
Matt: Okay, so Tess surges to her feet in a rage, and the shadows from under the desk boil toward you and start to pool under your foot, and like…
Vikki: This always happens to me!
Matt: …seep up over your foot. And I think to resist what's going on, this would … In fact, no, tell me how you … what do you want to do? How do you react?
Vikki: I think I'm gonna turn the torch on. And shine it on my leg.
Strat: Oh, nice.
Matt: Very nice. There's…
Vikki: Such a problem solver.
Matt: So … I really like this. I think this is a really good solve for this. But I think, because this is like a new, much more intense, manifestation of the thing…
Vikki: Yep. We have to roll to see if I’m successful.
Matt: You’re gonna have to like, act under fire, like keep it cool, while you're doing this.
Vikki: Okay.
Matt: So this is a Mind roll.
Vikki: Okay.
Matt: And you get any relevant stuff. Like, this is a … as far as you can tell, like, this isn't in your … this isn't in your head. This is a phenomenon you are seeing across the floor. So this is something you … you can see what you're dealing with.
Vikki: Okay. So it’s plus two.
(sound of dice rolling)
Vikki: Six, seven, eight.
Matt: Okay.
Vikki: Mixed success.
Matt: All right. So you can … yeah! So you can turn the light on and like, you assume, banish the shadow from your body. But it is gonna cause you to lose it a little bit.
Vikki: I'm doing it.
Matt: Yep, okay. So you start … you become a little bit more frenzied about the situation.
Vikki: Okay.
Matt: But the torch comes on. And the shadow that was creeping around your foot is just evaporated away.
Vikki: Okay.
Matt: Tess looks at you very strangely.
Vikki: And I'm like:
Vikki (in character): How did you not see that just happen?
Matt (as Tess) See what? I just saw you turn a torch on and shine it at your foot.
Vikki: I'm like:
Vikki (in character): Are you for real not seeing this? Let's go downstairs right now.
Matt: Okay, she follows. Strat.
Strat: I'm hanging from a ladder.
Vikki: Sorry you’ve been there for a while, mate.
Matt: I’d forgotten that’s where you were! Let's go with … “the understage crew”. So Strat’s hanging from a ladder. Alex is doing…
Strat: Is a pirate!
Vikki: The understage crew!
Matt: Alex is doing a pirate pantomime in the spotlight.
Ellie: But we don’t know whether he’s taking it to tragedy or not.
Matt: Yep, we don’t know yet, he’s gonna decide that. And Ellie, you were … are you…?
Ellie: I’m looking for the fuse box.
Matt: Going for the fuse box.
Ellie: Yep.
Matt: Okay.
Strat: Things are a lot weirder under the stage than they are on the stage.
Vikki: Just turn the goddamn fuse on!
Ellie: I’m trying so hard!
Vikki: Flip that switch, folks!
Matt: So Ellie, first of all. So you're … how are you gonna find the fuse box?
Ellie: So I know that Alex has said the wires are by the costume rail, so I've gone to the costume rail and I'm following the wires.
Matt: Okay. You're following the costume … you're following the stapled cables on the wall through the dark. I'm going to say this is a … roll Mind, because this could go wrong, but you get a … so … here's what happens. You get a plus one because you're following the cables, so you have something to guide you. You get a minus one because you said Macbeth earlier.
Ellie: (gasps) I did!
Vikki: Dun dun dun! It's like … theatre penalties!
Ellie: Damn it! Okay. Can I get points because I’ve got Tilly with me? She’s guiding me.
Matt: Yeah! Yeah, she can see where she's going, so she's guiding you, so that's a plus one.
Ellie: Yep.
Strat: Tilly is so useful.
Vikki: Yeah, worth having a pet ally.
Ellie: Does this count as taking the lead?
Matt: I think you’re taking the lead here, yeah.
Ellie: So it’s plus two.
Matt: Oh, actually, Alex, are you doing what Ellie told you … suggested you do?
Ellie: Oh yeah.
Vikki: That's gonna be very important right now. Do what … go with your gut here, mate.
Strat: Yeah, what were you gonna do?
Alex: I start acting up.
Vikki: Yeah.
Alex: Sorry. So I basically … instead of being tragedy, I start swearing at them at the top of my lungs, and generally insulting them and calling them all manner of unpleasant names. I drop the C-bomb maybe a couple of times…
Vikki: Yep, because why not?
Alex: …flip them the bird and just generally behave like a bit of a dick.
Strat: This is a man who knows how to antagonise an audience.
Matt: Is there any pretence that you're telling the story of the iron ship anymore, or is this just a tirade now?
Alex: I'm just … I'm raging at them.
Vikki: He’s just going for it.
Ellie: Are you still holding the iron, though?
Alex: Oh yeah, like, gesticulating at them wildly, and just … I'm trying to provoke something.
Matt: All right, so Ellie, make your Mind roll, you don't get your taking the lead…
Ellie: Oh, I just have a plus one. Yep, thanks Alex!
Matt: Because you’ve lost control of the situation.
Ellie: Lost control of this idiot, anyway.
Alex: Hi.
(sound of dice rolling)
Ellie: Seven.
Matt: Seven total?
Ellie: Yeah.
Matt: You can reach the breakers with the aid of Tilly and the cables on the wall, but you will be pushing through what feels like, now, the phenomenon becoming physical, the shadows becoming like a thick porridge in the understage. Or you can … and you don't know what the consequences of that might be. Or you can retreat back to the light.
Ellie: So in my mind I'm thinking of what the next consequence would be. So if I could … if I can turn the lights back on, then that's good in that it will banish all of the issues above ground, but I don’t know if it's gonna help us where we are currently located. And it also will make it harder for Vikki to show Tess the effect, right, of what's going on?
Strat: Although you … we don't know that that's…
Vikki: You don’t know I’ve been successful.
Ellie: We don’t know that’s happening, though. And also, I'm concerned that Strat is dangling from the ladder. And whilst he could just drop and land safely on the crash mat, that means we cannot then access the ladder to get out.
Vikki: Yeah, because you don't know I'm coming back downstairs.
Ellie: No. So I feel like we do need access … we do need the fuse box to work at some point, don't we?
Matt: I will say you’ve … like, you've confirmed where it is, whatever happens. So you can come back to it later if you want to.
Ellie: Am I allowed to roll on my ability to analyse the course of action, to make this decision? Or can I not because it's already a roll?
Matt: I think in this case, because it's a consequence of a roll, I think no, you’ve just got to make the decision.
Ellie: Oh, damn.
Matt: Because this is like, happening in a second.
Ellie: Okay, I'm naturally risk-averse, so I'm gonna run away!
Vikki: That's fair enough.
Matt: Okay, so you … heading towards the breakers, you feel this this pressure against your chest that you seem to be wading through, and you go, “Nope! Not … don't want that.”
Ellie: Tilly’s probably pretty clear on not wanting to do it either.
Matt: Yeah, Tilly is definitely hissing at this point. So you move back and feel that pressure lift.
Ellie: Okay.
Matt: Are you moving actually like, into the light or just sort of away from where you were?
Ellie: I think I'm heading back to where Alex is. Because…
Strat: The large, sweary, shouty man.
Ellie: Because I don’t … because I'm going back to report to him what my success has been or not been.
Matt: Okay, Alex, let's do you.
Alex: Okay.
Matt: So you're attempting…
Alex: To antagonise them.
Matt: To antagonise the shadows by going on a tirade.
Alex: Just doing anything that isn't what they want.
Matt: Yeah. So you feel around you, that dissatisfied hum that builds into a more … no, a more recognisable “Booooo.” Sort of still very like, murmur level, but definitely a recognisable sound of dissatisfaction. And as Strat did earlier, you start to see, not just one, but all the ones that you can see, start to reach within themselves, and release! And you see gobbets of shadow fly into the spotlight with you. What do you do?
Alex: I don't want to get hit by all of them. So I attempt to get hit by one of them and seize a fragment of its power.
Matt: Okay. So I think … so how are you gonna ensure that not all of them hit you? Are you dodging?
Alex: How fast are these things moving?
Matt: So they’re … like, the movement to like, gather themselves is quite slow. But then when they like, release, it's like a cobra strike.
Alex: Right. Okay. So I try to line myself up with ones … because I know what's gonna happen, because I've seen it before, so I kind of line myself up with one that I'm not gonna get hit by others. And then…
Matt: So it's less like … you're not sort of dodging them as they come in, you're trying to sort of line yourself up so that you’re out of the line of fire.
Alex: Anticipating that I'm just gonna get hit by one.
Matt: Which means I think that that's probably a Mind roll, so roll plus Mind to see if you can do that.
Alex: Does the ability “seize fragments of power” do anything?
Matt: That will be…
Alex: Later?
Matt: Like, if and when you get hit by something, we’ll resolve that one. This is just to see if you can succeed in your plan of not taking the full brunt of the assault…
Alex: All of them.
Matt: ...and only taking one.
(sound of dice rolling)
Alex: Mmm, that's a fail.
Vikki: Oooh.
Matt: So that's a five, minus one to Mind is a four. You take the full brunt.
Alex: Here we go. Let's style this out.
Matt: Everything they’re throwing at you lands, and you find yourself coated in this cold, inky liquid shadow that starts to seep across and feels like it's seeping into you.
Strat: Have I seen this happen?
Matt: Yeah.
Ellie: And me?
Matt: Yeah.
Strat: Can I attempt to explain it away?
Vikki: I mean, that feels like insanity at this point, but go ahead.
Matt: Sure.
Alex: Dude, can we not wait until I've attempted to seize some of its power?
Vikki: Yeah, yeah, wait until Alex has done that.
Strat: Okay, yeah, sure.
Matt: Okay, so…
Strat: Actually no, that even … what I have planned works even better if you actually fail to do it.
Vikki: Yeah, this is our backup plan.
Matt: Contingency plans.
Strat: Yep, yep, yep.
Matt: Nested plans. We'll see if any of them succeed. So the feeling of this stuff being … now that it's contacted you physically, you feel … shame seep into yourself.
Alex: Oh god.
Matt: Like … you almost like, see yourself doing your Captain Iron performance…
Alex: Over and over again.
Matt: And your sweary tirade, almost as if you're … like an out-of-body experience. And your brain just goes: “What was I thinking? I'm such a … I'm so inadequate as a performer. How can I even think that I could like, act my way out of this situation?” You just feel this deep, like, shame and self-loathing seep into you.
Alex: Regret.
Matt: What would you like to do?
Alex: What would I like to do? I would like to … can I bare my soul and seize a fragment of power, or can I just do one of those things?
Matt: One at a time. So it's which you want to do like, literally as a result of this thing happening.
Alex: Oh, well I…
Matt: Bare your soul is a bit more like if you have a contemplative moment to do something.
Alex: I'm gonna try and seize an element of this power, because I know it's caused by this, even though … yeah, so.
Matt: Yeah, go for it. So…
Alex: Plus Soul, I guess.
Matt: It is plus Soul to seize a fragment of this power.
Alex: I'm not defending anyone, so…
Matt: I mean … I think you could…
(sound of dice rolling)
Matt: …if you want to, you could make the argument that you are taking fire for others.
Alex: Yes.
Matt: We could characterise that as defending.
Alex: Which is up to a…
Strat: Oh, you’ve got ten anyway, because you’ve got plus one.
Vikki: You’ve got ten anyway.
Alex: Yeah, I’ve got ten anyway.
Matt: Oh, you’ve got ten anyway, so it’s a success either way. So. Having taken this full pelting of shadow stuff, you push through that weird feeling of shame. And you feel … in fact, tell us. Narrate to us how this success manifests itself. How do you take this shadow stuff, this shame assault on yourself, and turn it to your own advantage and make it part of your power?
Alex: Okay, well, first things first, I rolled a fail, so that puts me on the little tick box there.
Matt: You did in fact.
Alex: I did remember, just remembered that.
Matt: Thank you for remembering.
Alex: But as the shame hits me and contacts me, I start absorbing it? So it means that it kind of goes into me, so it actually … like, you see the slime kind of like, get absorbed into my skin. But it allows me to kind of generate the slime and kind of wrap around me, like a weird sort of wormy caterpillar type thing. So that's kind of just around, but just on like, skin contact sort of thing. So I've got this stuff that I can control and manipulate around me, rather than it just keeping the shame.
Matt: You effectively have like, some pet shadows now.
Alex: Yeah. Yeah.
Matt: Which we’ll work out … you'll find uses for, I'm sure.
Alex: Yeah. Absolutely.
Matt: All right. Strat, Ellie, what do you … do either of you have anything you want to do at this point?
Strat: I’m so tempted to try and explain it away.
Matt: You’re still dangling from the ladder.
Strat: But that sounds … cool. And I don't want to deprive Alex his shadow pets. But I think me and Vikki should have a pet, seeing as now the other guys have a pet. Whatever.
Vikki: It’s true.
Matt: Write, like, “shadow pet” or something on your notes.
Strat: So I … seeing Alex like, okay, he seems all right now, I'm gonna call him over. And I think Ellie was on her way as well. So I'm gonna say:
Strat (in character): Guys, if you grab one of my legs, so I can essentially stand on you, and then I can pull the ladder in and bring it down with me. I just need to be braced.
Alex: We attempt that.
Matt: You also hear from above you:
Matt (as Errol): Hello? Where did you go?
Strat (in character): Wait there, Errol! We’ll be up in a second!
Matt (as Errol): Do you need any help?
Strat (in character): Yes, actually, come over here.
Matt: You hear “tap tap tap tap”, footprints, footsteps, across the stage, and you see the confused looking face of Errol look down through the trapdoor, through the rungs of the ladder at you.
Strat (in character): Hello, Errol.
Matt (as Errol): Hello. You look like you got yourself in a bit of a fix.
Strat (in character): I have. If I let go and fall, could you just like, pass the ladder down to me afterwards, please?
Matt (as Erro): Yeah, I think I can do that, yeah.
Strat (in character): Okay. You … you promise?
Matt (as Errol): Yeah! Yeah!
Strat (in character): Okay then, let's do that.
Strat: I'm gonna let go and allow myself to fall down.
Matt: Okay, you fall and land on the crash mat.
Strat: Yep.
Ellie: I’m being very sceptical about trusting Errol!
Strat (in character): Pass it down, Errol! Pass down the ladder!
Matt: You hear a lot of clattering and clanking, and you see the rungs of the ladder disappear from the trapdoor, and then you see the legs of the ladder poked down over the lip of the trapdoor, and he says:
Matt (as Errol): Sorry about the … about all the stuff falling out of the … I was just hiding up there and I disturbed stuff and I didn't mean to…
Matt: And he starts sort of gradually posting the ladder, and he says:
Matt (as Errol): It's really heavy, I'm sorry…!
Matt: And he appears to let go of the ladder and it's falling down towards you on the crash mat. What do you want to do?
Strat: I am going to…
Alex: Kick off?
Strat: I'm gonna … I'm gonna attempt to explain away this situation, as to why that might have happened. Other than him…
Matt: I’m not sure how that will stop the ladder falling on you.
Strat: Oh, well, you said it appears as though it is falling.
Matt: Oh, yeah? Oh, fair enough.
Vikki: Oh my god!
Alex: Oh, wow. Oh, wow.
Ellie: Loophole!
Strat: So I’m going to try and explain away…
Matt: This is creative, I like it.
Vikki: I feel like Strat is MacGyvering the rules in some kind of meta move.
Alex: Yeah, he does this in D&D quite a bit, it’s impressive to watch, it really is. His mind works in ways that mine simply cannot fathom.
Strat: So yeah, it appears to be falling; I don't think it's falling. I don't think it's falling.
Matt: All right.
Strat: Let's find out if I’m right!
Matt: So this is a plus Mind roll.
Strat: Yep.
Matt: Do you have anything else that you think applies?
Strat: If you think I'm focusing, lying on my back looking up.
Vikki: It is a reaction again, isn’t it.
Matt: I think this is in reaction to something, so no.
(sound of dice rolling)
Vikki: Plus Mind.
Strat: Seven.
Matt: Seven, so a mixed success. So I think you can explain this away, sure. So tell me how you were gonna try and explain what’s happening.
Strat: Right. It looks like it's falling, but what's really happening is, it's one of these extendable ladders. So the bit that extends is sliding down, and just as it looks like it's going to hit me, it's gonna clip into the little holes and just stop.
Vikki: Short of your face. Indiana Jones style.
Strat: Indiana Jones style.
Vikki: I love it.
Alex: Oh, it’s so good!
Ellie: Stop touching yourself!
Alex: Just rubbing my thighs!
Matt: Cool. I really like this! Yeah, so I think, yes. That will … you can explain it away that way.
Strat: Cool.
Matt: But it's still like, you're gonna be like, shaken by this.
Strat: Okay.
Matt: Because it's coming down to like, it's … like, it feels like a really near miss. So I think you're gonna be like, shaken to the point of losing it a bit.
Strat: That's fine. I think I'm also shaken and just losing it with Errol. He is…
Vikki: The worst.
Strat: He is not my friend.
Vikki: Bottom five.
Matt: I think if you'd failed, it like, it would have hit you, you’d have been losing it … because losing it stands in for like, getting physically hurt as well as psychologically hurt?
Vikki: I’ve totes got that first aid kit though.
Matt: But you’d also have like, an actual injury that would like, diminish your physical abilities going forward. So that's what you've avoided by the mixed success.
Strat: That’s alright then. That’s good.
Vikki: That's pretty good.
Strat: Okay, cool. I just like, move it, and put it on the floor, and go:
Strat (in character): Thank … thank you, Errol.
Matt: You now have a ladder leading up out of the trapdoor.
Strat (in character): Like, come on guys!
Matt: Vikki?
Vikki: I am coming down the stairs from the office towards the stage with Tess, and probably all of the shadow monsters, and we're making our way down towards the entrance to the wings, and going in that way.
Matt: Are you leading or have you got her in front of you?
Vikki: No, I think I'm leading.
Matt: Okay.
Vikki: Because I'm probably moving with more urgency than she is, because she doesn't think it's important.
Matt: Sure. Yeah, you can hear lots of “uugh” sorts of exhalations behind you.
Alex: She’s so mardy!
Vikki: I will carry her if I have to.
Ellie: You can, as well!
Matt: You are really strong.
Vikki: Exactly.
Matt: Okay. Yeah, so you make it to the stairs leading down onto the stage; head downstairs without any trouble; the door is at the bottom of the stairs.
Vikki: Open the door. Into the wings.
Matt: Yep, into the wings. And you can see out of the wings, nobody's on stage, you've got house lights on the auditorium…
Vikki: Yep, workers are on.
Matt: Workers on the stage, there are the remains of two shattered lamps on the stage, and the top prongs of … sorry, there is someone on the stage, Errol is on the stage. You can see the top prongs of the ladder poking up out of the trapdoor, and Errol sort of leaning over the trapdoor going:
Matt (as Errol): Everybody all right?
Matt: What do you do?
Vikki: I think I run to the entrance of the trapdoor and like:
Vikki (in character): Are you guys okay? What the hell's going on? Who's this dude? I've got questions.
Strat: I’m coming up the ladder, and I’m like:
Strat (in character): This is Errol. Don't ask him to make you any drinks.
Vikki: I’m like:
Vikki (in character): Oh, oh this is Errol.
Strat (in character): Or in fact do anything.
Vikki (in character): Okay. This is Errol.
Matt: He looks at you with a sort of kicked puppy face.
Vikki: Strat doesn't give a shit at this point.
Ellie: Nope.
Vikki: You've run out of fucks.
Alex: He's thinking of kicking that puppy.
Ellie: Me and Tilly are just behind Strat, I think, coming up the ladder.
Matt: Cool.
Alex: And then yeah, I'm the last one out.
Vikki: And you've got…
Matt: You see his…
Vikki: And I'm like:
Vikki (in character): What the actual fuck?
Alex: And I'm like:
Alex (in character): Behold! One of my stupid plans actually worked, look at this!
Vikki: And I turn to Tess, and I’m like:
Vikki (in character): Are you seeing this?
Vikki: And then I say to Errol:
Vikki (in character): Are you … like, we're all seeing this, right?
Matt: Errol takes a couple of steps back, puts his hands up, and goes:
Matt (as Errol): I don't know, I don't want any part of this, I don't know what's going on.
Matt: Tess says:
Matt (as Tess): What, is this part of your show?
Ellie: God, Tess.
Alex: Oh my god, you are just the worst woman.
Ellie: I think…
Matt: Are you saying this out loud?
Vikki: And so I’m just gonna explain…
Alex: No, no.
Vikki: I'm gonna explain to everybody the exchange that, and the situation I had with Tess upstairs, so that they are caught up to speed on…
Matt: She stands there, taps her foot impatiently while you explain.
Vikki: And say:
Vikki (in character): I brought her down here because I want her to see what's going on for herself, because she doesn't believe that anything's happening, even though there were manifestations in her office and one tried to eat my leg.
Ellie: So I think I would be saying to Tess:
Ellie (in character): Could you see anything in your office? Anything odd?
Matt (as Tess): Anything odd? Like…?
Ellie (in character): Like the scene that Vikki just described. Could you physically see that happening?
Matt (as Tess): I saw shadows. I didn't see anything strange about them, if that's what you're thinking. All of you have far too active imaginations.
Ellie (in character): Okay…
Alex: I eventually climb up out of the trapdoor and go:
Alex (in character): Active imaginations? Watch this.
Alex: And the things just wrap around my wrists and harden into like, big gauntlets. I'm like:
Alex (in character): How's that for imaginations? Yeah?
Alex: And then they kind of like, go all gloopy again and go back into my skin.
Matt: She looks nonplussed and unimpressed at you.
Vikki: I say…
Alex: He just walked up to her and, “What about this is imaginary?”, and it’s the things she can't see you put in front of her! “Does this look imaginary to you?”
Alex: I don’t know if she can’t see me pets.
Vikki: We all seem to be able to see them, so I say to Tess … no, I say to everyone else:
Vikki (in character): I think there's two things here. Either like, she can't see them … but when I was in her office, like, the more like, she moved around or the more she got enraged, the more they seemed to be active, so I think they are connected to her.
Ellie (in character): Yep.
Interval
Matt: Hi, this is Matt, and this is the interval. Sorry about the toilet situation; old theatres are not built for big crowds. It's me and Ellie's here this time.
Ellie: Hello.
Matt: Just to jump in in the middle of the episode. We're not gonna keep you very long, because we want to keep the tension up in this final episode of the first season.
Ellie: So much tension!
Matt: We're poised on the edge of some big revelations, potentially. So all I wanted to do was just jump in quickly and say thank you again for listening and for sticking with us through this first season, while we were finding our feet.
Ellie: It's been a difficult birth.
Matt: We are, as we record this, we're just a little less than a week out from record … the recording session for season two, but where you are now in the future, it will be not far off actually coming out! So that'll be exciting.
Ellie: Ah, you future people. So lucky.
Matt: Yeah. If you've enjoyed the first season, now that all of it is out, this is a great time to tell your friends who haven't listened, now that they have a full season to binge all in one go.
Ellie: Mmm, bingeing.
Matt: Yep. So please do let other people know. It doesn't matter whether they're into RPGs and stuff, it's all just about the story, right?
Ellie: Yes!
Matt: Yep, this is theatre.
Ellie: It is theatre.
Matt: So yep, please share us around, retweet us on Twitter, we are @MerelyRoleplay, and Blackshaw Theatre Company is also on there as @BlackshawUpdate, follow them too for stuff that they're doing in the physical realm.
Ellie: Yes, we don't tend to tweet about our ghost hunting.
Matt: No, it's a bit … it's on the hush-hush. Everybody in theatre knows, but we don't shout about it. We're also on Facebook, just look for the page “Merely Roleplayers”. So just sharing any of our posts from there and from Twitter with all your friends, or linking them there, or leaving us a review on iTunes, Stitcher, wherever you listen, it all helps.
Ellie, how was the … you've not really done any roleplaying before.
Ellie: No. And I think that shows.
Matt: What was it like? Do you have fun still?
Ellie: I had so much fun. I think I probably was quite anxious, particularly towards the beginning, about how the dice rolling and the rules and the choosing your powers and all that kind of stuff worked, and obviously, as I'm now doing, using the wrong terminology is also a thing. But Matt is such a gentle leader that he didn't make us feel stupid at all, which was really nice. And I think it's gonna be quite a big learning curve for Vikki and I, who are the … going to be the constants, because neither of us have been super into it previously. But I think one of the things, listening back, that we want to do is kind of pick up the pace towards the beginning and make bolder choices, which we were maybe a bit tentative about doing.
Matt: Yeah. Because I mean, you've not done much roleplaying, but you were … you have a background in improv.
Ellie: Yeah, so…
Matt: And there's a lot of crossover there.
Ellie: Yeah, so imagination and chat is certainly not something that I'm concerned about. Those things I can do in abundance. But I'm not so good, currently, at knowing about the pacing and the process for roleplay games.
Matt: Cool. So knowing that the next one is going to be, kind of, a classic old British mystery in the style of Enid Blyton or Arthur Ransome, have you got any thoughts about how you're gonna … how are you thinking of playing it?
Ellie: I'm so excited, because that is a genre close to my heart, and actually when I was doing comedy improv, that was one of the … my kind of favorite genres to play in, so I think we … I definitely want to be using some of the classic language and tropes of those books. So plenty of ginger beer and jolly good fun.
Matt: Spiffing.
Ellie: Yes, top hole. Wizard. I might even read a Famous Five book or something to just refresh my knowledge.
Matt: Awesome, you do that. Listeners, you do that too. Looking forward to it. Hope you stick with us for that. It will be … it will be the start of a brand new adventure, so it's not gonna it's not gonna follow on from Ariadne, it's gonna be kind of a reset. So Ellie and Vikki will be constants, we'll have two new players, who you … so you've heard of Dave, if you listen to … if you listen to Vikki's Backstage episode.
Ellie: The much chastised Dave.
Matt: Yes, so now he gets to give his own account of himself on the airwaves. And we'll also be joined by Chris Starkey, another friend of the company, who we might have to calibrate the levels for because he has a very big voice.
Ellie: He's a Brian Blessed booming man.
Matt: So look forward to that. I'll just leave you with a message from our friends at Kaiju FM. They are a podcast network, you can find them on Twitter @KaijuFM. They have some great shows on there, this is a trailer for one of them.
Promo
Chris: We live in difficult times.
Cal: In this, the era of the cinematic universe, the TV of our childhood has begun to seem disjointed and nonsensical.
Chris: That's why we, The Space Jam Continuum podcast team, have taken it upon ourselves to fashion a coherent cinematic universe from something that was simply never meant to be one.
Cal: The Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies franchise.
Chris: So join us for an epic tale of interdimensional travel…
Cal: Secret government agencies…
Chris: Monkey mayors…
Cal: Unsustainable welfare states…
Chris: Submissive dogs…
Cal: Escaped toons…
Chris: Regenerating pigs…
Cal: Questionable employment law…
Chris: Trouser hams…
Cal: Sentient eggs…
Chris: Malformed, puffy dough-trotters…
Cal: Demarcation…
Chris: And porcine family drama.
Cal: There's a long road ahead, so why not join us for the ride, every Wednesday on Kaiju FM, or wherever you like to listen to podcasts?
Chris: As we try to create one exhaustive, cohesive, Space Jam Continuum.
Ariadne, Act Four (continued)
Ellie: So I want to ask her some questions about her past. Like what has she previously done, has she always run the theatre, has it been successful, who ran it before her … like, what's the situation? Does she like running the theatre?
Matt: The way I'm gonna do this is, roll Trust with Tess, which is … you haven't specifically pissed her off, so it's just, I think, zero for you.
Ellie: Okay.
Matt: And if you succeed, you'll get like, a certain number of questions that she'll willingly answer.
Ellie: Okay. And am I getting points for taking the lead?
Matt: Yes, I think so.
Alex: Firmly.
Vikki: Yeah.
(sound of dice rolling)
Ellie: So that’s … I rolled a ten!
Matt: That is a full success, so I think you're gonna get … she will answer two questions honestly.
Ellie (crone voice): “Answer me these questions two.”
Vikki: It’s not so good when it’s only two, is it.
Ellie: No. So what shall I ask her?
Strat: You’ve only got two questions, so you might as well just be as … it’s a full success, so essentially, you can ask her your bluntest questions.
Vikki: Yeah, and she’s got to give you an honest answer.
Strat: There’s no need to sort of like trick her into answering, just ask fully outright.
Ellie: Yeah, but I don’t want for her to be able to give a crappy answer. Like if I said … do you have to take the first thing I say?
Matt: So all I'll say is, I'm as invested as you in moving the story forward.
Ellie: Okay, cool. Okay, so I'm gonna say:
Ellie (in character): Is there anything at all that you could possibly think of that might be … that you don't … that you're angry and enraged about, that might, if one were to believe in such things, manifest as a physical reaction to your anger and rage?
Matt (as Tess): I'll tell you what really gets my goat.
Ellie (in character): All right.
Matt (as Tess): And that's flaky, superstitious theatre luvvies coming in this place, which … who … like, what I hate, what I really hate, is having to rely on you people. And knowing that you're going to disappoint. And sometimes, sometimes…
Matt: …because of your full success, she goes on:
Matt (as Tess): …sometimes, I feel like I just wish you would fail.
Ellie (in character): Right. To prove you right. Okay.
Matt You guys can weigh in.
Vikki: I’m losing it, I am no good to you right now.
Alex: You don’t want to talk to me.
Ellie: Can we say … we could ask…
Vikki: We are useless.
Ellie: Ask her like, what about … is there anything anyone could do to change your…
Strat: Yes. Yes! Yes yes yes.
Ellie: …mind?
Vikki: Yes, Ellie, yes.
Alex: That’s really punchy, well done.
Ellie (in character): Is there anything anyone could do to change your mind about that?
Matt (as Tess): I've always said, it would only take one to prove that they can stay the distance. That they can bring in the box office they say they will, and that they can just do the work without any silly shenanigans or complaints.
Strat (in character): Great.
Ellie (in character): Okay, cool.
Strat (in character): So we've got to have a box office hit in a West End theatre nobody knows about.
Vikki (in character): Yeah, to solve this problem. Yeah.
Ellie (in character): Yeah. Well, I mean…
Strat (in character): I wish it was a ghost.
Ellie (in character): Partly, we just need to actually stage a show. Because most people have … it sounds like they got to previews, the other show, and then stopped.
Vikki (in character): Yeah, I can't imagine anyone wants to come to a theatre that … where you feel like this every time you walk inside it.
Ellie (in character): No, but presumably it wouldn't feel like that if we were … right, so the evil entity things want to be watching a tragedy. They're happy when they're watching a tragedy.
Vikki (in character): Or watching failure.
Strat (in character): This is … this is her … they’re willing … it wasn’t tragedy.
Vikki (in character): Tragedy was Bee’s word.
Strat (in character): It was when we are failing, that … that they are happy.
Ellie (in character): So we have to stage a bad show, for a long time.
Strat (in character): No, but then she's not happy, so that only proves her right. So we have got to do something to make sure that this entity that likes … that wants our failure and is trying to like, make us feel like trying to put this off, we need to do something to stop that happening so we can successfully put on a show and appease her.
Alex (in character): The reason why they want failure is because she wants failure.
Strat (in character): Exactly.
Alex (in character): What we need to do is change her mind, so that she is on our side and wants us to succeed. Because then the entities…
Ellie (in character): Yeah, but she said the only way we can do that is if we put on a good show.
Alex (in character): Yeah, it's very much a chicken-and-egg situation. But if we can convince her that we will put on a good show, hopefully that will change her mind enough to stop the beasties.
Ellie (in character): Okay, cool.
Matt: She's getting visibly agitated at this conversation, and the shadow just … like, the tiny patch of shadow that she herself is casting is a much deeper, inkier black than it ought to be, and is roiling.
Vikki: I'm gonna shine my halogen torch on that thing!
Matt: Sure! You do, that and she looks very annoyed at you, but the patch of shadow disappears.
Strat (in character): Tess, I tell you what. How about you go have a nice cup of Bovril, put your feet up, forget about any of this, you know, as you say, superstitious actors, all that sort of stuff … I'll be up, you know, we’ll be up later to kind of let you know how we're getting on and … yeah, we’ll just put on … we’re gonna put on a show, aren’t we? Aren’t we, everyone?
Everyone (in character): Yeah!
Alex (in character): Absolutely, absolutely.
Ellie (in character): Let’s finish this tech and dress!
Vikki (in character): And Strat’s gonna come fix your office door.
Strat (in character): What happened to the office door?
Vikki (in character): I may have smashed the office door off its hinges earlier.
Strat (in character): You’re so badass!
Vikki (in character): I know, I know, but it does mean that we are gonna need to fix it.
Strat (in character): That's fine!
Vikki (in character): Sure. Good. Cool.
Matt: She replies:
Matt (as Tess): That's what I was doing!
Matt: And as she appears to get enraged, the house light bulbs out in the auditorium burst.
Vikki: Oh, gosh damn.
Matt: Your working lights are still on, but the house lights go dark, and the entire auditorium is seething with angry shadow creatures.
Alex: At which point, I just go: psychic shield. I'm like: no more of this.
Vikki: Is it in some way imbued with the shadow monster?
Alex: That's what I'm hoping. So I start feeding the shadow pets into the shield as well, to bolster it.
Matt: Be-autiful, okay. Are you trying to … is everyone close enough, are you trying to get everyone in?
Alex: Oh, I've got everyone. We're close enough, we're all around Tess … of … the d’Urbervilles, her cheery disposition. And I boost that up and I put that … so she's in the shield as well.
Matt: All right, so roll plus Soul to do that ability.
Alex: Plus defending others!
Matt: Plus defending others, and I'll give you a plus one for your shadow pets as well.
Alex: Ah yeah!
Vikki: Shadow pets plus one!
Alex: So that's plus three.
Matt: Since you said that you were gonna use them.
(sound of dice rolling)
Alex: Ten.
Vikki: Ten!
Matt: That’s a full success … tell us what this…
Alex: So as I … as I do the shield up, it occurs to me I might as well just use what other stuff I've got in me, because I'm also really intrigued to see what happens. I pump the shadow pets through and they come out and they actually make a physical looking barrier. Whereas before it's just a small, sort of, glowing embers out of my hands, out of my fists, you see the entire thing envelop us in this orb of like, inky, sort of like, semi see-through shadowy sort of stuff, like a slightly opaque glass.
Matt: Cool! And you start to hear the patter and splat, on the outside of the shield, of more inky dollops that are being hurled at you from the apparently very dissatisfied auditorium full of stuff.
Vikki: I have a slightly violent suggestion.
Ellie: Kill her?
Vikki: Knock her the fuck out.
Ellie: Oh right, yeah. It’s a level below what I was gonna suggest but…
Vikki: Yeah, I’ve got a level below killing, to just making her, or rendering her unconscious.
Ellie: Until we’ve completed a successful show run?
Vikki: Yeah, basically, yeah! Or at least to stop this insanity from occurring just for a minute.
Strat: I can try and explain this away.
Vikki: Oh, god!
Strat: It’s the only thing I can do!
Vikki: It’s the worst ability!
Alex: It is funny, though.
Vikki: It is funny, yeah.
Alex: Before you do that, can I shout at her:
Alex (in character): Can you see this? Do you hear this? Does any of this register to you on any level, now that you are within the psychic barrier?
Matt: She says:
Matt (as Tess): Why’s everything gone dark?
Ellie: Hmm. She can’t really see it.
Matt: Since you said that it's physical this time, I think it actually is blocking the light into…
Vikki: I don’t think she’s…
Matt: So she is aware that it’s gone dark.
Ellie: No.
Vikki: Like, she just doesn't … she can't see what we can … everyone else can see.
Ellie: I think Vikki should knock her out.
Strat: It’s part of her, right?
Alex: I don't think that's a bad idea.
Matt: Okay, is that what you want to attempt first?
Ellie: Yeah.
Matt: Out of all your possible plans.
Vikki: I have resorted to violence.
Ellie: It is way more fun.
Strat: It is way more fun.
Vikki: I'm gonna try and knock her out, and not kill her.
Matt: Okay. It's dim in here, but you can see what you're dealing with.
Vikki: Yep. I mean, I have got a first aid kit, so…
Ellie: Yeah, she’ll be fine.
Alex: Because they help with concussion.
Vikki: Yeah, oh god.
Matt: So this is a plus Body, and you can see what you're dealing with. Are you gonna … is this gonna be an instance of your like, adrenaline super strength? Or are you just like … is this just a normal…
Vikki: I’m slightly scared that if I use super strength, I will accidentally kill her.
Ellie: Do you think if you … in real life, if you hit someone hard enough, do you think you could knock them out?
Strat: With your hands?
Ellie: I feel like if you … I feel like you could if you had an object to hit them with, but probably not with your bare hands.
Vikki: Yeah, not with a bare hand.
Matt: You’re holding the torch.
Vikki: I’ve got the torch, though.
Ellie: Aw yeah!
Vikki: Which is rubberised, so I mean, I probably won’t fracture her skull.
Ellie: Probably won’t.
Vikki: Okay, I'm gonna hit her with the torch. Not gonna go full super strength, because we do not want a door off the hinges situation.
Ellie: I didn’t think this was how today was gonna go.
Alex: This is just beautiful.
Strat: Kicking down door, hitting people with torches.
Matt: Okay, plus Body.
(sound of dice rolling)
Strat: Nice. It’s … stupid.
Matt: It’s good.
Vikki: We’ve done it!
Matt: Full success.
Vikki: That’s an eleven.
Matt: So you … well, tell us.
Vikki: I take the torch and I swing it towards Tess's head. I connect with the side of her temple and she crumples to the floor.
Matt: Yeah, you just see…
Vikki: And then I feel really bad about it afterwards! I just want to make that clear!
Ellie: Well, I go:
Ellie (in character): Woo-hoo!
Vikki: I probably say something like “playtime's over” or something. I'll think of something really good later and we can just like, sub it in.
Strat: “I can’t see anything!” “You need some light!”
Vikki: Yeah. Oh yeah! “Let’s get some light on the subject!” Or…
Alex: Something equally…
Strat: “I’m gonna knock your lights out!”
Vikki: Yes!
Matt: So in the instant before the torch connects, you see just absolute like, shock, panic and rage in her eyes as they connect with yours. And then the torch connects and she is … I think she's … I think with that roll, you like, you actually knock her out of the shield.
Vikki: Uh oh.
Alex: Uh oh.
Vikki: Soz, guys.
Matt: She's down. The patter on the shield ceases. You still, presumably, can't see out of it., given how you described it.
Alex: I retract the shadow pets back into my wrists and see if we can see out of the … well, obviously we can, because the shadow pets are now not there. And we go … what can we see?
Matt: You see a dark auditorium.
Alex: Do we feel anything?
Matt: You feel … You feel adrenaline and panic at the fact that you've just knocked out the manager of the theatre you’re performing in.
Alex: Yeah, that has not gone well.
Ellie: That is venue relationship management 101 stuff right there.
Vikki: You can totally blame it on me, though.
Strat: She's not gonna feel better about actors and companies coming in here now.
Ellie: No.
Strat: We may have made it a bit worse when she wakes up.
Vikki: She … is … not. Soz, guys.
Ellie: It’s stopped the problem for now.
Matt: You don't feel any abnormal or para-natural entities or auras currently.
Strat (in character): How about we take her back up to the office, fix the door, put her in her chair, put a cup…
Ellie (in character): All a dream!
Strat (in character): Yeah, put a cup of really dodgy looking Bovril next to her, and then when she wakes up, I’ll just explain it away.
Ellie (in character): Yeah, yeah, I’m happy with that.
Alex (in character): Now that, that, is something we can all…
Vikki (in character): That was already you explaining it away.
Ellie (in character): Then if she … then she won't even know that Vikki went up there to talk about superstitious stuff, so to her mind, we've not raised any issues with the theatre, we're just getting on with the show.
Strat (in character): Maybe. We can give it a go.
Alex (in character): Cool.
Strat: I mean, Errol's right next to us and has seen all this happening, but other than that.
Ellie: Errol’s stupid, he’s not gonna remember … understand…
Vikki: I mean, I can knock him out too…
Matt: Errol’s like:
Matt (as Errol): I didn't see nuffin, I didn’t … if you say so, I didn’t see nuffin, I didn’t see…
Ellie: Yeah, he’s an idiot.
Alex: Okay, I'm gonna say to everyone:
Alex (in character): Look, I'm gonna pull the shield back in now.
Strat (in character): Yeah, I think we’re good.
Alex: That goes and dissipates.
Strat (in character): We've definitely … yeah. We've confirmed that whatever this is, it's somehow linked…
Ellie (in character): Stops when she does.
Strat (in character): Yeah, exactly. She's … she is the source. So … back … take her back upstairs?
Ellie (in character): I don’t know what else to do. I mean we could … if we fix the fuse box now, presumably there won't be anything stopping us from doing that.
Vikki (in character): No.
Ellie (in character): Then we … if we have … if the lights are on all the time, then the shadowy things can't appear, right?
Strat (in character): Yeah. A lot of these seem to have gone ‘bop’.
Alex (in character): How do we … how do we fix the problem? How do we solve a problem like Tess? I think is the the main issue. We can explain…
Vikki (in character): We need to get her out of the theatre.
Alex (in character): Is there any way that we can correct and alter her mind?
Ellie (in character): Send her on holiday.
Vikki (in character): Can we just take her to the hospital? Because I’ve just knocked her out and she might have a concussion.
Ellie (in character): Well, maybe.
Alex (in character): Almost certainly has a concussion.
Ellie (in character): No, getting her out of the theatre seems to be a good idea.
Vikki (in character): I think so.
Strat (in character): Getting her to the hospital is a very good … Because if she's somewhere else, she won’t be angry with us, and then we can put on a play, and then come back and be a success.
Ellie (in character): Maybe she’ll be in hospital for a while.
Vikki (in character): Exactly.
Ellie (in character): Hit her again!
Vikki (in character): Break her leg! Oh god, I didn’t say that.
Ellie (in character): All right, let’s take her to hospital. Let’s take her to hospital.
Alex (in character): Okay.
Ellie (in character): We'll say…
Strat (in character): We’re actually taking…?
Ellie (in character): Oh! Oh! We’ll say one of the lights fell and hit her.
Vikki (in character): Yes! That's what we'll do.
Vikki: Oh my god, we're covering up an assault here, this is terrible.
Ellie: Yeah!
Matt: An assault who committed?
Vikki: (non-committal noise)
Alex: (awkward noise)
Vikki: I mean, it'll be one of us who has some kind of like super strength and was holding a torch, but…
Ellie (in character): Okay, so let’s … let’s call an ambulance.
Strat: We could just let Errol take her.
Ellie: I feel like that’s a bad idea.
Vikki: Yep. Just call an ambulance.
Strat: Actually no, you’re right, I don’t know what I was thinking.
Vikki: Oh, we should call Vicky Moxom, she'll sort it out.
Ellie: Oh yeah, our good friend Vicky the paramedic.
Ellie (in character): But shall we call an ambulance?
Alex (in character): Yes.
Vikki (in character): Yes.
Matt: Cool, you call 999.
Ellie: Okay.
Vikki: Ellie’s totally doing that, by the way.
Matt (as operator): 999, what's your emergency?
Vikki: Because I am 50 percent losing it.
Ellie (in character): Ambulance, please.
Matt (as operator): What's the address, please?
Ellie (in character): The…
Vikki (in character): Ariadne.
Ellie (in character): Ariadne theatre!
Matt: Well remembered from several hours ago!
Ellie: I was like, the Adrian theatre? That’s not right.
Ellie (in character): The Ariadne theatre.
Matt (as operator): And what's the … what's the nature of the … I'm dispatching someone now. What's the nature of the injury?
Ellie (in character): So, the patient is unconscious, she's had a blow to the head from a falling light overhead.
Matt (as operator): Thanks, someone should be with you soon.
Matt: I don't know what really happens when you ring the ambulance. Do they take your number or something?
Alex: No, they can call you back.
Vikki: Yeah, they have that, they have that, they record it.
Matt: All right. Okay.
Ellie: They usually stay on the line until the ambulance crew have arrived.
Matt: Oh, right, okay.
Matt (as operator): Please … please stay on the line.
Ellie (in character): Yep. Sure. Just so you know, she's still breathing. She's unconscious, though. (aside) Thank goodness.
Ellie: So then I’d probably send either Strat or Alex out front to flag down the ambulance.
Strat (in character): Do you wanna do that?
Alex (in character): Yeah, I'll do that.
Strat (in character): I'll go and fix the door.
Ellie (in character): Yeah, oh yeah.
Vikki (in character): Oh god yeah, cover up the evidence.
Ellie (in character): You fix the door, you go out and flag the ambulance people down.
Alex (in character): Yeah, I’ll flag the ambulance down, I won’t get shadow pets out, because…
Ellie (in character): Yeah.
Vikki (in character): That’d be…
Ellie (in character): Keep them up your sleeves.
Vikki: Do they even exist outside of the theatre?
Ellie: Oh! Well, he absorbed them.
Alex: I absorbed them. They’re part of me now.
Vikki: Yeah, they’re part of you now, you’re right.
Strat: You should totally just make them into sort of like, really cool like…
Ellie: Like tribal tattoos.
Strat: …tattoos, yeah. Full sleeves.
Alex: But they can shift and move! That’d be awesome, yeah.
Strat: You’re chappy from Moana.
Alex: Yeah! I haven’t seen that yet.
Vikki: You remember this is not a real thing, right? Oh, well, okay. You should see that film.
Ellie: So does the ambulance arrive?
Matt: So before the ambulance arrives, Bee opens the door…
Ellie: Oh yeah, Bee!
Matt: …from the corridor into the wings. Like, you can … she’s sort of pulled herself together a little bit…
Ellie: Well done.
Matt: …like, redone her hair, all this sort of stuff. And she says:
Matt (as Bee): I could … I could feel it. I could feel like, the pressure all around, but it's … then it just stopped, just like, in a second. Is it … did you … did you do it?
Ellie: You're the Bee wrangler, Vikki.
Vikki (in character): I mean, it depends in what sense you mean do it.
Matt (as Bee): Oh my god, what happened to Tess?
Vikki (in character): A light hit her when it fell from the ceiling.
Matt (as Bee): Oh god, that's … that's happened to … that's happened to people who've been doing the … doing their tech rehearsals before.
Vikki (in character): Yeah, you need to sort your safety cabling out.
Ellie (in character): Yeah, they seem dodge.
Vikki (in character): Yeah.
Matt (as Bee): I'll make sure … when, when she's, I'm sure when she comes round, when she gets back to work, she'll … she'll make, like, replacing all the safety cables a priority.
Ellie (in character): Good, she should.
Strat (in character): Probably. We've called an ambulance for her, so that's…
Matt (as Bee): Oh thank you, thank you so much.
Vikki: Maybe we should send Bee with her in the ambulance.
Ellie: Yeah!
Vikki (in character): I feel like she needs to have like, a friendly face.
Strat (in character): That's a very good idea.
Vikki (in character): When she wakes up.
Ellie (in character): I think so too.
Matt (as Bee): Oh yeah, yeah, I'd be happy to do that.
Ellie (in character): Thanks, Bee.
Vikki: Because we're not sending Errol.
Ellie: Oh, Errol.
Alex: Useless, useless cretin.
Matt: So Ellie, Vikki, you're waiting on the stage.
Ellie: Yep.
Matt: Who went outside to flag the ambulance?
Alex: I did.
Matt: Alex went to flag the ambulance. Strat, what were you doing?
Strat: I’m off to put the door back on…
Matt: You’re off to fix the door. Okay, so let's roll to fix the door. I think this counts as MacGyvering something
Strat: I think so. I'm pretty sure I'm focused on it.
Matt: Yep, you can be focused now that there's no distraction of weird buzzing phenomenon.
(sound of dice rolling)
Strat: Yay!
Alex: Nailed it.
Strat: Ten, eleven.
Matt: Ten?
Vikki: Crushed it.
Matt: Yep, you fix the door, it's like it was never slammed off its hinges by a violent theatremaker.
Vikki: So ashamed.
Matt: Alex, the ambulance rolls up.
Alex: I'm like:
Alex (in character): Guys, she's in here, this way.
Alex: Show them through the stage door entrance.
Matt: Yeah. There are two paramedics.
Alex: They go in. I lead them out onto the stage.
Matt: Get onto the stage, unfold a stretcher. Get her on it, they’re … she's just starting to maybe regain consciousness, but…
Ellie: Hit her again!
Matt: ...quite delirious. And as they take her away on the stretcher with Bee at her side, you just see her starting to like, reach out in Vikki’s direction, and then like, whatever drugs they're giving her take hold and she…
Ellie: Oh, good.
Alex: Saved by drugs once again.
Vikki: Oh my gosh.
Matt: And you are in the Ariadne, with no strange phenomena happening.
Ellie: Thank goodness!
Vikki (in character): So I feel like this is a temporary fix.
Alex (in character): Oh, yeah.
Ellie (in character): Yes, but we need to … basically, we have a brilliant opening night tomorrow…
Vikki (in character): Yeah.
Ellie (in character): …job done, right?
Vikki (in character): Maybe.
Ellie (in character): That will restore her confidence.
Vikki (in character): So we’ve got to get everyone we know to come see the show tomorrow.
Ellie (in character): Oh, we are giving away all the tickets.
Vikki (in character): Yeah.
Ellie (in character): Oh no, but it’s got to have good box office.
Vikki (in character): Yeah.
Matt: I really want to work out what kind of roll I can make you guys do for how good your opening night is.
Ellie: Oh no!
Matt: I think that would be a good way to cap this off. I think we're heading to a conclusion.
Alex: Okay.
Ellie: Well, I could use my ability to analyse the best course of action to work out our marketing campaign.
Vikki: Yes!
Strat: I could MacGyver like, the best kind of thing to build outside the stage to get everyone's attention and make them want to come in.
Ellie: Yeah!
Vikki: Yeah!
Matt: Yeah, and I think whatever … So let's do both those rolls, and whatever the final roll is, I think Alex is gonna give it a bonus because he can manifest something that’s so inexplicable and doesn't seem like … “how are they doing that special effect?!”
Vikki: He can do it in the show! Use the shadow pets in the show! Yes, Carnacki!
Ellie: Because he’s playing Carnacki!
Strat: That would be awesome if you can make into the big flappy bird.
Vikki: Yeah! Big flappy bird shadow pets! This is gonna mean nothing to the people listening at home unless they have seen the play.
Strat: I think everyone has to, now, for bonus material for this, go and listen to…
Vikki: To the radio play of Audience with the Ghost Finder.
Matt: I'll throw a link in the description wherever I put this up.
Vikki: Required reading.
Matt: So Strat, first of all, MacGyver some set.
Strat: MacGyver my…
(sound of dice rolling)
Strat: Nine, ten, eleven again! Yeah!
Matt: Full success! You create … tell us what wondrous set you create from the materials around the theatre, plus things that you have in the suitcases.
Strat: Well. Okay, so let me think about … so first, there's … essentially, I'm going to like … the box that I remember in our original play, the box became a load of things. But using all the other kind of wood and tools, and also any clever kind of like, risers or revolves or whatever this stage may have built into it, this thing is just going to be able to turn up and twist around and morph into carriages, and rooms, and sort of like, as though…
Ellie: Like a Transformer?
Strat: Like a Transformer, so the whole story is like, not only are we unpacking it from the box, but the box is like, unpacking itself. And becoming…
Vikki: Mechanically.
Strat: ...itself mechanically.
Vikki: Oh, awesome.
Strat: And it's going to be pretty awesome. And also I'm gonna give the electric pentacle a bit of an upgrade…
Alex: A bit of a do-over.
Strat: …as well.
Vikki: Nice. I'm excited.
Ellie: Can you make it so that it hovers off the ground?
Strat: I can make whatever you want.
Vikki: Because he rolled an eleven!
Strat: It’s gonna hover, it's gonna spin, it’s gonna sing a little song.
Ellie: Lovely.
Strat: (sings) “I’m a pentacle, woo…”
Ellie: We’ll work on the song.
Strat: I make it, I don’t sing it.
Alex: That's almost as good as my Ironface pirate story.
Ellie: Almost.
Vikki: Almost, almost.
Matt: All right. Ellie?
Ellie: Okay, so I'm raising … rolling for the best course of action for marketing.
Matt: Yep, so this is a plus Mind.
Ellie: But do I need to give you a few options?
Matt: I think in this case, we'll just say you find the best course of action if you succeed.
Ellie: Okay. So I get plus Mind…
Matt: Yep, so plus Mind. And I think you're taking the lead.
Ellie: I'm taking the lead.
Matt: Because you’re the director.
Ellie: So I’m on … so I’ve got a one for the Mind and a one for the taking the lead.
Matt: Yep. If you want to, I would let you include a Tilly bonus, if your marketing strategy…
Ellie: Includes her?
Matt: …would involve pictures of Tilly.
Ellie: Oh my god, that would be so good.
Matt: Cat pics!
Ellie: Yeah, okay. So I get the plus … so I’m plus four now.
Vikki: Oh my god.
Strat: Wow.
Ellie: This is where I roll like, two.
(sound of dice rolling)
Vikki: Seven…
Ellie: Eleven!
Vikki: Rolled an eleven.
Matt:Yep, your marketing strategy, whatever it is, pays off.
Ellie: Oh, I wish I knew what it was.
Alex: Amen to that, right?
Matt: And you know what? It doesn't cost you anything.
Ellie: Oh man!
Vikki: Aww, the magic marketing strategy, the Holy Grail of marketing strategies!
Ellie: So we’ve got a sell-out show on our hands, then?
Matt: Pretty much. Vikki, anything you want to contribute before we do like, Alex's final performance roll?
Alex: Oh, Christ.
Vikki: No, I think I'm better sitting this one out, at this point.
Matt: Okay, Alex. What shall we roll for performance? I feel like we could … like, performing involves your Mind because you have to learn lines, and it involves your Body because you're on the stage performing, and I would say it involves like…
Alex: Your Soul, almost.
Matt: Putting your Mind, Body and Soul into it.
Alex: So that’s a zero…
Ellie: Could you bare your soul?
Alex: So that's a zero because of the minus one. I am technically…
Matt: So all I'm saying there is, I think I would take an argument…
Ellie: For any of the three.
Matt: I will let you make a case for each of the three.
Alex: Okay, because it's me, as the the person that I am, I tend not to act using my brain…
Ellie: Also, your performance going to include your two new pets, so it’s got to be Soul, hasn’t it?
Alex: Two new pets. So there's Soul … so there's one for the Soul, one for the pets if you'll allow it.
Matt: Uh-huh.
Alex: I think, and I'm happy to be shot down by, this I am technically acting to save…
Vikki: Everybody.
Alex: …to save us and indeed Tess, so I'm defending others, so that's a plus three.
Matt: I’ll allow it.
Vikki: Oh yes, nailed it.
Alex: Okay, plus three, right, okay.
(sound of dice rolling)
Alex: Yes!
Vikki: That’s a ten! Thank god for that plus three, mate.
Alex: Skin of my teeth.
Matt: So tell us about your opening night.
Alex: Well, about the opening night … we don't mention to the other actor involved in the show…
Ellie: Any of this.
Alex: …about any of this.
Vikki: We don’t know if we can trust them.
Alex: And it … the show goes really well, Strat’s set works phenomenally, the audience are amazed, the press turn up in droves, because it's the first show that's happened in this theatre for years.
Ellie: Michael Billington’s in the front row.
Vikki: Lyn’s turned up. She responded to my email.
Alex: It's insane. Everything is going absolutely smoothly. The two cast members … we are in sync with each other perfectly, and then to cap it…
Ellie: N-Sync are there.
Alex: And then we … geez, really? Really? And then at the crescendo of the entire piece is the terrifying flapping bird, which is then given a visual corporal form, using my shadow pets. And everyone is absolutely BLOWN. AWAY. By this. The shadow pets dissipate back into my fists, the lights go down, the tech has worked seamlessly, Bee was just perfect, and then the lights go down … standing ovation.
(applause)
Strat: You don’t take this opportunity to finally perform in front of the crowd … Captain Ironface?
Vikki: As an encore?
Strat: As an encore!
Ellie: They’re not ready! They’re not ready!
Alex: I don’t think Captain Ironface is ready either.
Vikki: No one in this world is ready for Captain Ironface.
Matt: A week into the run, Tess returns to work.
Vikki: (whispers) One week later…
Matt: And you enter the theatre, somewhat trepidatiously, knowing that she's gonna be back. And how do you go about testing whether your theory was correct?
Strat: Let's get a spotlight on that stage.
Ellie: Yeah. I would not approach Tess.
Alex: I’m … I’ll go in the spotlight.
Strat: You’ve got your pets, you’ve got your shield.
Matt: Okay, Alex stands in … on the stage. We'll say in like, at … lights up all around for the sec … for the moment, and Bee up in the tech box, sort of says over the cans to whoever is in the wings on the cans:
Matt (as Bee): Sure about this?
Vikki (in character): We're sure.
Strat: Yeah, you’d be on cans.
Matt (as Bee): Three. Two. One.
Matt: And she turns out the workers and house lights, turns on the spot. Alex, you find yourself standing in a spotlight. Darkness all around…
Just darkness.
Vikki: Yes!
Matt: No hostile feelings, only vaguely in the back of your mind, not a hostility, but a scepticism, is the only emanation you get from the darkness. A sort of, “Okay, you’ve satisfied me for now…”
Alex: A grudging acceptance.
Matt: “…but don't screw up again.”
Vikki: Dun dun dun!
Alex: Wow.
Matt: Good game!
(applause)
Vikki: Well done, Matthew!
Credits
Matt: Merely Roleplayers is produced by M. J. Starling in association with Blackshaw Theatre Company. Search for the show on iTunes, Stitcher or your usual podcast service, and if you can't find it, let us know. We're on Twitter @MerelyRoleplay and facebook.com/merelyroleplayers. Reviews and kind words are all very much appreciated, and we hope you'll join us again for our next episode.