Content warning for this season: frequent discussion of blood
The only way to get Gideon is through his nutritionist, Maxine McQuaid. Can the company's cover stories hold up long enough to meet their mark?
Starring Ellie Pitkin, David Turnbull, Chris Buxey and Josh Yard as themselves
Created and hosted by Matt Boothman (@MerelyMJ)
In association with Blackshaw Theatre Company (www.blackshawonline.com)
facebook.com/MerelyRoleplayers
Playing a heist version of Simple World by Avery Alder (buriedwithoutceremony.com/little-games)
Promo: The Prestige (kaiju.fm/the-prestige)
Episode transcript
Intro
Matt: This episode of Merely Roleplayers comes with a content warning for blood. There's no bloody violence or depictions of blood, but it is mentioned a lot.
The house is now open for Act One of Let's Get Gideon, brought to you by Merely Roleplayers: the programme where theatrical people play roleplaying games. My name is Matt; I'll be setting the scene and in a moment we'll meet our company of players who are going to be bringing the drama. If you caught last week's Backstage episode you'll already have an idea of who this Gideon person is, why he needs to get got and how our company is planning to go about it. If you skipped it, get ready for sudden full-body immersion into the weird, weird world of the very, very rich.
I'd be genuinely fascinated to hear thoughts on this episode from people who did and didn't listen to the backstage planning session. Tweet me; I'm “MerelyMJ” on Twitter, or leave a comment on the Merely Roleplayers Facebook page.
Now, listen closely for the sound of aces disappearing up sleeves - Let's Get Gideon Act One will begin with the company introducing themselves, after this from our friends at Kaiju FM.
Promo
Rob @ Kaiju FM: Hey folks my name’s Rob, and I’ve spent the last 15 years working in the British film industry making movies of all kinds, and my best friend’s Sam, and he spent the last 15 years being educated beyond all mortal means. He's got a doctorate, he's got a master’s, he's the smartest man I know, and each week we’d come together and we’d talk all about movies: we talk about the colours in them, we talk about the characters in them, we talk about the themes and the ideas they present.
If you like movies like we like movies we're here each week on Kaiju FM talking about movies. Find us wherever you get podcasts.
Let’s Get Gideon, Act One
Josh: Life's a game, the world’s a stage and we're all merely players.
Dave: Cool, I am David and I am going to be there. I don't have a kind of specific role as of yet but I'm quite a lucky kind of person so hopefully I'll be able to solve some things that might potentially go wrong for us.
Ellie: You're a lucky thumper.
Matt: Cool. Ellie?
Ellie: Thank you, Matt. I'm Ellie. I’m sort of multi-talented and I seem to be taking on the role of kind of recruiter and gang leader.
Chris: Hi I'm Chris, I'm the Brains and also the Wiles. So I'm a MacGyver-type person who's also quite persuasive.
Josh: My name is Josh, I am playing the behind-the-scenes, sneaky, stealthy individual. Lots of Wiles, not much Brains. And if worse comes to worse I will run away with my above-average Muscle score.
Matt: Well without further ado, are we all ready to play?
Players: Yes!
Matt: Very well. You are Blackshaw: a theatre company that tries to do the best that you can in this strained economy. What you hope nobody else knows is you're also master thieves and con artists.
Ellie: Hooray!
Matt: So your latest... who wants to tell us about your latest mark?
Ellie: Gideon Gilchrist - he's incredibly wealthy but he does not put his wealth to good use. He likes to appear to do so and has a charitable trust called the Gilchrist Grant which primarily gives to arts organisations - but it's only art he deems to be deserving, which tends to be cutting edge but maybe not a lot of substance behind it. He hasn't really got a lot of taste. He's a crass individual and he doesn't have a heart. So we're going to go to the wizard...
Matt: And as we start our first scene there's another thing; he's into some shady stuff, which is gonna be relevant to this first scene.
Josh: It is known in inner circles and in hushed whispers...
Matt: Discovered through your pre-heist research.
Josh: ...through our research, that we believe that Mr. Gilchrist is injecting the blood of far-younger humans into his own veins in order to preserve his youth. We need evidence of this... in order to sink him and hopefully get some cash out of him.
Matt: Right and so the first stage in your plan is to get in cozy with his nutritionist Maxine McQuaid. Where do you think the scene takes place and who's involved?
Chris : Well I was going to represent our fictional blood supply company. I imagine... well we know that Gideon has a penthouse in the Shard, so perhaps his nutritionist has sort of like an office or at least access to a meeting room lower down in the Shard.
Ellie: Yeah that’s easier than us having to set up an office of our own for her to go to.
Dave: And we probably don't wanna go as four because we might look a little bit...
Ellie: Much?
Dave: Threatening.
Ellie: Sounds good.
Matt: So Maxine McQuaid, nutritionist to the super-rich, has a corner office in the Shard on, let's say, the 24th floor. Quite high up but not quite as high up as some of her clients potentially. As you enter her corner office, she is standing facing out with her hands clasped behind her back, looking out from her view over the London Bridge quarter and the river. She's a fairly tall, quite gaunt figure. Blonde hair, pinned but with clear split ends. Wearing a blazer over a work dress. And as she turns to receive you see that she's wearing like a big statement necklace as well.
Matt (as Maxine): My two o'clock, Sanguine Solutions is it?
Chris (in character): Yes that's us! Hi Maxine, my name is Dr. Hugo Claret and I am the lead scientist at Sanguine Solutions. So we're here today to talk about some of the services we offer to our very exclusive client base. We understand that you are nutritionist to a lot of the… well not to put too fine a point on it, the very wealthy and we feel we have services that you can make use of. We'd like to perhaps work together? Perhaps you could put us in touch with people and we could offer them our very unique and cutting-edge services.
Matt (as Maxine): I've been reading your portfolio and you do have some quite impressive credentials. Perhaps we can do business. Your friend has been very quiet - perhaps you could introduce yourself as well.
Dave (in character): Oh, hi yeah of course! I am Chap… Chad Manlison…
Matt (as Maxine): Is it Chad or Chap?
Dave (in character): Sorry my name is very hard to remember… It's Chad “The Chap” Manlison. “The Chap” is my old wrestling name from my old school days.
Matt (as Maxine): Is he a doctor as well?
Chris (in character): He is... not. He is my assistant. I'm here to talk about the science bits…
Dave (in character): And I'm here to show off the product. Just look how buff I am and you can see that this is what you could expect the results to be.
Chris (in character): What you may not realise is Chad is actually fifty-three.
Matt (as Maxine): Good grief! The results are quite impressive.
Chris (in character): Indeed! So our services... well they're not for everyone, not only because of their cost, but some people don't quite have the desire that it takes to use our services and remain young. They're not for the squeamish; they're for people who really have the commitment to retaining their youth. And, well you know what they say, youth is wasted on the young... and we'd rather that your clients had some of that youth.
Matt (as Maxine): Yes I did see that “Youth is wasted on the young.” was your company slogan.
Chris (in character): It's also on the side of many of our vans! So yeah we're here today to... well, do you have any clients? Obviously this is all under the strictest confidence and we'll be happy to sign any non-disclosure agreements if you wish.
Matt (as Maxine): Of course you will be expected to do the same. My clientele is very exclusive and I cannot have details of their dietary regimes and such getting out where anybody could find out about them.
Chris (in character): Well that's perfectly reasonable. I mean we are used to dealing with this sort of level of confidentiality. I mean can you name any of our famous clients?
Matt (as Maxine): I cannot.
Chris (in character): Exactly! We’re that discreet. Yes so these services we offer - without going into too much of the science, I mean I don't want to bore you... I could talk about blood science for ages, just hours! But that's my passion. We harvest the young DNA of willing donors, I should say is willing well-compensated but, most importantly, young people! They give us their blood and with a special process that is entirely, I'm afraid, it's top secret patented (it is the core of our business I'm sure you understand) and we use that to extract certain elements from the blood and then in an entirely new way, that's never been done before, we filter it into the clients and the results, as you can see from Chad, are astounding!
Matt (as Maxine): Dr Claret - if you’ll allow me?
Chris (in character): Mmmhmm.
Matt (as Maxine): I do believe your results speak for themselves. And I have to say I'm very interested in your product and I believe many of my clients would be as well. There's just one problem: in researching your company I've had my people dig into your records... everything seems to be above board but I have noticed that you seem to be attracting some unwelcome attention which I would rather not expose my clients to.
Chris (in character): Are you talking about Alan?
Matt (as Maxine): You're on first-name terms with the man?
Chris (in character): Of course! Yeah.
Matt (as Maxine): With the officer of the pharmaceutical regulators?
Chris (in character): Absolutely we meet at the blood conference every year!
Matt (as Maxine): Oh you're old acquaintances?
Chris (in character): Oh yeah, absolutely! I know it's about sort of putting on some face, really. He's got to be seen to be taking an interest because, you know, people have noticed our results; they're very dramatic and that draws attention and he can't be seen to just ignore us. That would just be weird. But we go way back, Alan and I. It's not gonna come to anything, you know, yes he's gonna conduct a bit of an investigation… I can rest assured that he is not gonna find anything untoward, even if it was a real investigation.
Matt: So you're gonna have to roll for this. Would you like it to be true - that you are an old acquaintance of Alan's and that you know him of old and can get him off people's backs? Or would you like to simply convince her of the fact, but it actually not be true.
Chris: ...I will convince her of the fact.
Matt: Very well! Okay - this is grifting someone so please roll Wiles, roll two dice and add one.
Chris: Okay!
(sound of dice rolling)
Chris: Seven.
Matt: On a seven you get what you want, but there’s a catch…
Matt (as Maxine): Okay this is very interesting… I wasn't aware of your personal connection. I'd like to vet this connection. Before I can allow you access to my clients, I'm going to need to meet with you and Alan together.
Chris (in character): Of course.
Matt (as Maxine): And verify that he won't look further into our business than necessary.
Chris (in character): Yeah of course I mean Alan is, you know, just as discreet as I am. So yeah that is absolutely fine.
Matt (as Maxine): Very well. Is tomorrow all right?
Chris (in character): Absolutely! You know, Alan and I go way back, I'm sure we can arrange something at short notice.
Matt (as Maxine): Very well: 10am here? Unless you’d like to suggest something else?
Chris (in character): No this is fine.
Dave (in character): It really is a lovely office. Shame to waste it.
Chris (in character): It is lovely. I believe Alan is local to here. Yeah, so Alan and I will be back tomorrow. In the meantime would you like one of our gift bags? This includes all the brochures - I'm sure you've seen a lot of the information - just a few freebies as well. Some pens - you can never have enough pens, don’t know about you but I’m always losing pens. And there's also a free USB drive in there: Sanguine Solutions USB Drive! We don't skimp, it's a 128 gig.
Matt (as Maxine): Very impressive!
Dave (in character): And Maxine, if you'd like, you could rub my face just to see how youthful I am... if that would help you?
Chris (in character): This is very normal - we do this for every client. Rub him wherever you want, he’s very youthful.
Dave (in character): I’m young, everywhere.
Matt: Without even responding she just does it. And she gives you a whole face a good old… and her hands are kind of... her palm skin’s kind of papery... and she gives your whole face a good ol’ cradling and rubbing…
Matt (as Maxine): Hmm... very clear, yes! You’re fifty-four you say?
Dave (in character): Fifty-four. And I look not a day over forty….two...
Matt (as Maxine): Yes I saw you’re age-verified on your LinkedIn profile.
Dave (in character): Of course of course!
Chris (in character): If you lick your hand you can actually taste the youth.
Matt: She does.
Chris (in character): Delicious! Well okay thank you very much for your time.
Ellie: Excuse me, I’ve just got to go and vomit in the corner…
Chris (in character): We will be back at 10:00am tomorrow; Alan and I, and obviously Chad here as well.
Dave (in character): Of course.
Matt: And, scene!
Josh: Well done.
(Music)
Matt: If anything in that gift bag is some sort of bug, I would like one of you to use your gadget to be that.
Chris: Okay.
Matt: We established that you have a cover identity as this company, but that doesn't include cool bugging devices.
Chris: Well I could do that. I was imagining it was some sort of USB key - obviously had some sort of Trojan on it that would install a back door to allow Ellie to use her hacking skills more easily.
Matt: Ideal.
Ellie: It could maybe double up and also be a listening device.
Matt: Yeah, because you're spending effectively one of your tricks of the trade to create this, it can be quite powerful.
Chris: Okay.
Ellie: So let’s have it had a microphone in there as well.
Matt: Yeah it basically takes over her whole machine. You have full access to all its functions including cameras, microphones etc.
Josh: Helpful.
Matt: You can spy on her, you can see all her files, emails - everything. What should the next scene be? What’s the next thing you need to achieve?
Ellie: Well I'm gonna dress up as Alan. I think I've got like a whole like peel-off face, like a Mission Impossible thing.
Matt: Let's do a roll for this between scenes...
Ellie: Yeah.
Matt: ...just to see how good your disguise is going in. Because you're not putting a disguise together on the fly from bits and pieces, this is...
Ellie: Planned?
Matt: ...you’ve got time to plan which means I think it's a Brains thing.
Ellie: Okay.
Matt: I think this comes under your forgery talent as well. So you get a plus one for that.
Ellie: So I've got my brains and my forgery so I’m on plus two.
Matt: Plus two total.
Ellie: Okay
(sound of dice rolling)
Ellie: Twelve!
Matt: Yeah your disguise is perfect.
Ellie: So good!
Dave: You are the spitting image of Alan.
Ellie: Alan would think I was Alan!
Josh: Does she come out of a changing room and we all stand up and give her applause? She gives us a little twirl.
Ellie: There’s a full montage.
Josh: “Go again - not quite there yet!”
Ellie: Me trying on different vests.
Chris: I panic and run because I think it’s the real Alan. “He’s here!”
Josh: And I would like to be watching this on one of the big CCTVs with a big bucket of popcorn because I'm very interested to see where this goes.
Matt: Alright so it's the next day, the same office. It's a foggy morning so there's not much of a view, which means Maxine McQuaid, nutritionist to the stars, is sat at a computer when you find her this time. Josh you’ve got a nice full facial…. full face view...
Dave: ...full facial….
Matt: ...full face view through the webcam.
Ellie: Now I’ve got a visual of Josh sitting there with a big bucket of popcorn, he’s got a face mask on…
Dave: Charcoal rub all over his face…
Ellie: Doing his nails...
Josh: Having a lovely time.
Dave: I wink at Maxine as I walk in so that she knows that I am back.
Matt: She licks her palm.
Ellie: (vomiting noises)
Matt (as Maxine): Gentlemen gentlemen welcome! I'm so glad that you could meet me on short notice. I'm sure you understand how important discretion is for my profession.
Chris (in character): Absolutely and thank you again for your time. I know your time is valuable and obviously ours is as well... but we want to move this forward. We’re very keen to start meeting with your clients, so here with me today is Alan Knowmore - as you will recognise.
Ellie (as “Alan”): All right nice to meet you.
Chris (in character): Alan and I go way back, don't we Alan?
Ellie (as “Alan”): Oh yes that's right. We met when this young man here came and stayed on my farm, before he decided to move out of agriculture and into pharmaceuticals.
Chris (in character): Yes it was a regular farm, not a blood farm.
Ellie (as “Alan”): Yes!
Matt (as Maxine): It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance and I'm so glad to hear that we'll be working together rather than at cross-purposes.
Ellie (as “Alan”): Oh absolutely! Any friend of Doctor … Claret is a friend of mine.
Matt (as Maxine): What exactly is your connection?
Ellie (as “Alan”): Well as I said we met on my farm.
Chris (in character): Yes well funny story actually!
Ellie (as “Alan”): Ha ha ha!
Chris (in character): Well not “ha ha funny”. Alan has holiday cottages on his farm…
Matt (as Maxine): You know what? I believe you, it’s fine. I can see that this is bringing up some traumatic memories. Actually Alan, what I'm really interested to hear is how how you plan to handle this inconvenient, innovation-blocking investigation into Sanguine Solutions?
Ellie (as “Alan”): Well my main tactic will be to log what is called an interim report, which just says that I am looking into the situation, and so that none of my colleagues will be doing so and during which time all I'll be doing is having a few beverages with this chap over here.
Matt (as Maxine): So can you give me your cast-iron guarantee that if my exclusive clients meet with representatives of Sanguine Solutions that there will be no untoward attention showered upon them?
Ellie (as “Alan”): Absolutely. In fact what I've done is I've brought here a nice little copy for you to keep of the interim report, as forementioned by me, which has been filed and stamped as you can see. So it's all above board; no further investigations will be occurring apart from those *big wink* from myself.
Matt (as Maxine): Ah this is exactly what I was looking for. Let me just... I will just have to review this document, of course.
Ellie (as “Alan”): Of course. I mean it's not very long - it's an interim report, two pages.
Matt: I'd like you to roll to grift her. I think you get plus one for having brought a prop.
Ellie: Thank you - which I forged myself.
Matt: Yes you did. So actually... the plus one is because this is related to your forgery.
Ellie: Okay.
Matt: So you're rolling Wiles.
Ellie: Which is a big fat zero plus one.
(sound of dice rolling)
Ellie: Ten, eleven!
Matt: Hey!
Ellie: She takes the report from me and looks at side one - nods. Turns over to side two - nods. She's happy.
Dave: I think as she's reading it and I'm gonna just lean over the table a bit and let the plunging V of my shirt drop down a bit so she is distracted by my belly button.
Ellie: Yeah.
Josh: How plunging is this top?!
Ellie: You don’t know how high up Dave’s bellybutton is. Just between his nipples.
Josh: It’s like a catsuit?
Ellie: I think she's carefully examining the document but it looks exactly as it should.
Matt (as Maxine): Yes yes this is quite satisfactory. Thank you for this - going the extra mile to satisfy my curiosity and my needs.
Ellie (as “Alan”): No problem, I'm always happy to satisfy a lady.
Chris (in character): Oh Alan!
Ellie: Classic Alan!
Matt: She flutters her false eyelashes at you.
Ellie: (disgusted noises)
Chris (in character): So if we are in a position to proceed… the important part of setting up the Sanguine Solutions process is that we meet with your client, at their convenience of course, we meet with your client and we also see if they have any existing infrastructure for this sort of treatment. We see what you've got, see what upgrades we need to make, if any upgrades are required, to talk through that the process with the client just so we both know what we're expecting: what Sanguine Solutions are expecting and what the client is expecting to get from the process. So for our purposes, and for the best results for your client, that is normally done in the area where they would normally receive their health treatment. All our clients do have a dedicated health area.
Matt (as Maxine): Mm-hmm.
Matt: She seems to be considering. I assume this is you attempting to manipulate her into bumping Gideon to the top of the list because he's got existing infrastructure for this kind of thing?
Chris: And letting us see it as well.
Matt: Can you roll Wiles please.
Chris: Okay so…
(sound of dice rolling)
Chris: Ten. She seems very taken with this and she realises that this will be a chance for Gideon, not only to have a cutting-edge treatment, but also to show off his cutting edge facilities, that he's very proud of, no other rich person's got facilities like this for this purpose. So she tells us she will set up an appointment with us and Gideon within the next week where we can meet in his facility, where he has these sorts of treatments.
Matt (as Maxine): Yes simply tell me what dates you can and can't do and we'll get something in a diary at the earliest possible convenience. I simply cannot wait to begin working together.
Chris (in character): Excellent. Thanks and neither can we. Thank you for your assistance with this opportunity. We can coordinate diaries with Chad - Chad handles the diary.
Dave (in character): I've got my clipboard here, Maxine. I'm ready to write down the dates we can and can't do. Let’s get this nailed down.
Matt (as Maxine): All you need do is simply give me your number and I’ll be in touch.
Josh: Oh God.
Dave (in character): Oh Maxine, you flirt. Of course and I will definitely give you my number if you put it into your phone under the “The Chap” please. Perfect.
Matt: She does so. And scene!
(Music)
Ellie: Very good. Maxine is creeping me out.
Josh: Dave, you’re going to have to sleep with Maxine I think. That’s the only way to inflitrate. Sorry dude.
Matt: Let's say the meeting at Gideon's medical facility is going to be in a couple of days so in the intervening time let's find out what Josh is up to. What would you like out of this?
Josh: So what I'd like out of this is I'd like to know the location of the storage facility - as in the exact location, we know that it's within the grounds of London City Airport.
Ellie: The freeport.
Josh: The freeport.
Matt: So we know that you are embedded undercover with the security team at Gideon's freeport where he keeps his art tax-free, locked up where nobody else can see it. How long have you been undercover?
Josh: To get to this point, I've probably been undercover for a few months. It’s a long con.
Matt: Okay.
Josh: What's my role at the moment? Am I a wandering patrol? Am I guarding a certain space or…?
Matt: Up to you. You've established your own cover here so you’ll have set up whatever you think is most convenient.
Josh: I'd like to think that I am a wandering patrol, rather than guarding doors. I'm the guy with the flashlight and the taser.
Ellie: Yeah on the perimeter so then it's easier for you to disappear and people not to think that's weird.
Josh: And people aren't like “go back to your door” and I’m like “yeah okay” and then I walk away again and they say “go back to your door”, “oh, okay”.
Ellie: “Josh isn’t at his door!”
Josh: Yeah.
Matt: So I think that means you at least have an access pass for the building and for the gates to get into the grounds of the building. But you don't obviously have access to any of the actual vaults inside.
Dave: And you've got an alias as…
Josh: Max Wiles - that's me. Maximillian. And I would like to approach my immediate superior: Chuck Banhoff.
Matt: Chuck. Banhoff.
Ellie: Is he a porn star?
Josh: And I knock on the door and I say:
Josh (in character): Boss could I have a moment of your time, please?
Matt (as Chuck): You're between patrols right now?
Josh (in character): I certainly am, yes. I've got Rory to cover me.
Matt (as Chuck): Yeah no moments of anyone's time on company time, you got it?
Josh (in character): Understood. I will make these minutes back up to you sir, I promise.
Matt (as Chuck): Good, what seems to be the issue?
Josh (in character): Boss, I've been here for a few months now. I think you can trust me, I certainly trust you. I know it's all about the greater good and I'm all in favour of the power of Mr. Gilchrist. However, I think in order to further my career, I think I'm quite promising here, I think I need some more information about what it is that we guarding.
Matt (as Chuck): I mean you always turn up on time. You walk your prescribed routes. I've seen nothing to suggest that you're anything less than an exemplary member of this outfit.
Josh (in character): Sir, that is too kind.
Matt (as Chuck): I think I'm gonna need to see something… persuade me. Being punctual is not enough to get you extra access.
Josh (in character): I want to prove, boss - Mr Banhoff - that what I can do is I can fight amongst the big fish, that I can swim amongst the champion boxers, that what I can do is I can look after what is most important. I've seen the other guys more heavily armoured, they've got bigger flashlights, they’ve got powerful tasers. I want to be them. I want to be in the elite force, sir. I want to guard what is most most important here. I want to prove myself to you. I can't just be wandering - I'm not a guard dog. I'm not a security mook. I'm better than that, sir. And I can prove to you that Max Wiles can do that.
Matt: Roll Wiles, Max Wiles.
Ellie: I thought it was “Wild”...?
(sound of dice rolling)
Josh: That’s a ten total. He sees a passion and a zest for life in my eyes - he perhaps sees that in my immersive backstory that I provided for him, that he knows that just wandering around - although the money is good, I'm sure - is not exactly what I want to be doing.
Matt (as Chuck): Wiles, I ain’t never seen anyone with this kind of passion for security work.
Josh (in character): Sir, thank you Sir.
Josh: And I do a little bow.
Matt (as Chuck): So this job it does not attract people with this kind of… this kind of…
Josh (in character): Intensity, sir?
Matt (as Chuck): That's the word, that's the word I was reaching for. People think this outfit is full of washouts from the police force.
Josh (in character): Pah!
Matt (as Chuck): I can see that for you this is a vocation.
Josh (in character): This is my calling, sir.
Matt (as Chuck): Wiles, you've convinced me you're ready for the big leagues.
Josh (in character): Yes sir. Send me. Send me to the vault.
Ellie: It’s getting a bit sexy…
Matt (as Chuck): You know what Wiles - you proved yourself. I'm upping your security clearance here and now. I've got time on my docket, you've got time on your docket - it's time for the induction.
Josh (in character): Sir - let's complete the induction. It's what I’ve dreamed of since I started here.
Matt: So he goes to his computer. I think you've got like a fancy electronic access badge - little LEDs in it. And another LED lights up on your badge as your security clearance goes up.
Matt (as Chuck): Follow me, Wiles.
Matt: He leads you into the freeport warehouse itself.
Matt (as Chuck): Wiles, you're gonna need to get to know the layout of this place now. You're gonna need to know, like the back of your hand, exactly whose vault is whose so that … you're gonna be governing the visitors here now, Wiles. You need to know when someone comes here and says “I'm here for so-and-so's vault” you need to know exactly which vault that is and who has access…
Josh (in character): Sir, yes sir.
Matt (as Chuck): ...and all the requirements.
Josh (in character): Sir, yes sir!
Ellie: I think he’s close...
Matt (as Chuck): So listen up and listen careful. Your extra security clearance gives you access to the secure area of our security company intranet that has all of this information on it.
Josh (in character): Sir, yes sir!
Ellie: Sexy intranet!
Matt (as Chuck): But you are gonna need to know this inside out so listen up and listen close.
Matt: And he takes you through the… What does the inside of the freeport facility look like, do you think?
Josh: So I imagine that it's a large - bigger than any aircraft hangar that you could see - very industrial, very exposed pipeworks and stuff in a very, very high ceiling. There are vaults, almost as high as the ceiling, dotted around almost creating like a city block - do you know what I mean - between vaults with pathways and access ways that you can walk down. Obviously enough space for access for forklift trucks.
Matt: I think there are gantries and stuff.
Josh: I think there's a second level as well...
Ellie: Ooh mezzanine!
Josh: ...and I think there are a lot of guards dressed like me - in the windbreakers with the black caps, with the earpieces, with the LED control cards.
Matt: Oh yeah this place is absolutely full of patrols. So what's their equipment like?
Josh: So the equipment, I imagine that some of them are armed but most of them are equipped - the basic grunts (which I'm now not) are equipped with tasers, flashlights, maybe a set of handcuffs, batons I think as well for bludgeoning. But the higher level certainly are armed.
Matt: Okay and he takes you around the freeport and does like a call and response of whose vault is whose and he has to stop every time a patrol goes past - cos they're not allowed to know this stuff but you are. And so he names the owner of each vault and you have to repeat it back to him and so at some point you get to…
Matt (as Chuck): And this one's Gideon Gilchrist - say it.
Josh (in character): Gideon... sorry what was it?
Matt (as Chuck): Gilchrist.
Josh (in character): Gilchrist, sir. And this is the most important one sir?
Matt (as Chuck): This? This one, son…. this is the motherlode.
Josh (in character): This is the one I want, sir.
Matt (as Chuck): Yeah... I mean... everything the strip lights touch is yours to guard and be security for... but this one is your special responsibility. Wiles, if anything happens to this vault on your watch…
Josh (in character): It won't happen sir, but tell me anyway…
Matt (as Chuck): It's not just your ass Wiles…
Ellie: Oooh!
Matt (as Chuck): it's your whole body.
Josh (in character): All of it sir! Not just my arse, sir!
Matt (as Chuck): You'll never work in this profession again, Wiles, if anything happens in this vault. You got it?
Josh (in character): I will not let you down, sir.
Josh: I give him an overzealous salute even though we're not military… Just private security… but I’m a little bit over-excited.
Matt: Is there anything else you want out of the scene or shall we call it there?
Josh: I just touched my earpiece once he walks away and say:
Josh (in character) Ellie, I think I’m in….
Josh: And that’s it.
Matt: And scene!
(Music)
Matt: You now have access to the... what’s the security firm called?
Dave: Something that becomes “SWAT” when it’s…
Matt: Let’s not make it that many words! Let’s make it like a really bland portmanteau.
Ellie: Could be secure but without the “e” on the end.
Dave: Yeah! “Secur”.
Matt: “Secur”.
Josh: “Secur Solutions”!
Matt: You can have access to the secret Secur intranet which has those blueprints that you wanted. So it has a schematic of the freeport and whose vault is whose. And it also has details of the... so I think people who rent a vault in this place get to set their own levels of security. So it tells you what security is required to access each of these vaults.
Josh: If there's any way of me getting Ellie into the system, I know that I obviously don't have the blood red USB port of deliciousness, but if there's anything I can do…?
Ellie: Well we’ve got time so I could try and hack it. Could Josh now see what the security requirements are for Gilchrist’s vault?
Matt: Yes.
Ellie: So I want to know what those are because we don't know how much hacking is required at the moment.
Matt: It’s high security, it's the highest security in the whole place.
Ellie: Platinum package!
Matt: Platinum package. So what do we think... what security requirements?
Ellie: Biometrics?
Matt: Why don't you roll to get the intel for this. So roll Brains. Because I think it's all in technical jargon. You know it has system-type requirements and all in language you don't necessarily get.
Josh (in character): Ellie, I’m going in.
Ellie: Oh God.
(sound of dice rolling)
Josh: Ooh... so that is a two total…
Matt: So this means that your attempts to find this out… backfires on you.
Ellie: Maybe the blueprints on the intranet aren’t the most up-to-date?
Matt: That's good. Yeah so you actually get incorrect information from this. Ellie said “biometrics”?
Ellie: Platinum package.
Matt: Iris scanners, fingerprint scanners.
Dave: Platinum package? That was actually I was gonna be my next alias…
Chris: (disgusted noise)
Ellie: That’s very porny!
Matt: So it says that it’s... let's say: iris, fingerprint, voice.
Josh: Armed guards... through several layers of bomb-proof doors.
Matt: Airport-style security obviously. So you've got to be wanded, you’ve got to be patted down…
Ellie: Just to get in that specific vault?
Matt: Absolutely - through x-rays…
Josh: I reckon that the elite classes who look after this particular vault, have probably got “GG” sewn into the back of their windbreakers. I think that Gideon is the sort of person…
Dave: Branded?
Josh: Branded, exactly. It's about brand awareness for the Gilchrist corporation... and sniffer dogs as well.
Matt: Alright so you find out all of that stuff and there will probably be something else that you are not aware of which I will come up with at some point…
Outro
Matt: You’ve been listening to Merely Roleplayers. You can look us up wherever you find podcasts, on Twitter @MerelyRoleplay and at Facebook.com/MerelyRoleplayers. Reviews and kind words are all very much appreciated and we hope you’ll join us again for our next episode.